“Why Me?” What Your Breath Might Have to Do With Feeling Stuck
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Why does this always happen to me?” or “There’s nothing I can do about it,” even though, deep down, you know that you would like things to be different?
I think most of us have moments like this. Life can throw things at us that are completely outside our control, and when we have experienced stress, difficult circumstances or repeated challenges over a period of time, it can become easy to feel as though life is happening to us rather than feeling that we have any choice in how we respond to it.
I know this feeling personally. Living with autoimmune conditions, there have been plenty of times when I have thought, “Really? My body is doing this to me again?” There have been moments when I have felt frustrated with my body, angry with it and, if I am honest, as though my body was letting me down. I have definitely experienced that feeling of, “Why me?” and I think it is important to acknowledge that, because when you are dealing with something that you didn't choose and cannot simply fix, it is very easy to feel powerless.
That is why I think the idea of a “victim mentality” needs a little more compassion than it sometimes gets. It can sound as though we are simply choosing to be a victim or that we need to pull ourselves together and take responsibility. I don't believe it is quite that simple.
Sometimes feeling powerless can become a pattern that our body and nervous system have learned over time.
When we experience ongoing stress, uncertainty, trauma or adversity, our nervous system becomes very good at protecting us. We might become more alert, more reactive, more avoidant or more likely to keep the peace. We might fight, run, shut down or put everyone else's needs before our own. These responses aren't signs that something is wrong with us. They are protective responses that have developed for a reason.
The difficulty can come when the circumstances change, but our response doesn't.
We can become so used to expecting something to go wrong that our body continues to behave as though we need to be on guard. We might start to see ourselves as “the anxious one”, “the stressed one” or “the unlucky one”. We might begin to think, “This is just how I am,” or “Nothing ever changes for me,” and the more often we repeat these thoughts, the more convincing they can become.
This is where I find the breath so fascinating.
So what has breathing got to do with it?
Our breathing is constantly responding to what is happening within us. When we are stressed, frightened, overwhelmed or rushing around, our breathing can change without us consciously deciding to change it. It may become faster or more effortful, we may breathe more into our upper chest, hold our breath or start taking bigger breaths because we feel as though we need more air.
When these patterns happen repeatedly, we can stop noticing them. The breath becomes something we simply do rather than something we are aware of.
This is one of the reasons I don't see breathwork as simply taking a few big breaths and hoping everything will feel better. For me, it starts with awareness. What happens to your breathing when something doesn't go your way? What happens when you feel criticised, overwhelmed or out of control? What happens when you receive news you weren't expecting or when your body does something you don't want it to do?
I notice this in myself too. I can feel that familiar thought arrive of, “Oh no, not this again,” and I can feel my body respond before I have even had time to properly process what is happening. My breathing changes, my muscles can tighten and suddenly I am in that familiar place of feeling as though something is happening to me.
The difference now is that I am much more aware of it.
That doesn't mean I don't still have those thoughts or difficult moments. Of course I do. It means I have become better at recognising what is happening and noticing that I don't necessarily have to follow the thought all the way through.
The breath can create a little more space
One of the things I love about working with the breath is that it can give us a little more awareness between what happens and how we respond.
When we are caught up in a stress response, there can feel as though there is no space between the event, the feeling and our reaction. Something happens, our body responds, the familiar thoughts appear and we can find ourselves caught up in the same pattern before we have even realised what is happening.
Bringing awareness to the breath gives us an opportunity to notice what is going on. Perhaps your shoulders have tightened, your jaw has clenched or you have started holding your breath. Perhaps your breathing has become faster or you suddenly notice that you are taking much bigger breaths than you normally would.
You don't necessarily need to fix any of it in that moment. Sometimes simply noticing is enough to create a little space.
That space gives us the opportunity to ask ourselves a different question. Instead of automatically thinking, “Why is this happening to me?” we might begin to ask, “What is happening in me right now?” or, “What do I need?”
And perhaps most importantly, “What is actually within my control?”
Taking back the things we can control
I think this is where the conversation becomes much more useful for me. Taking responsibility for our responses doesn't mean pretending that difficult things haven't happened to us. It doesn't mean that we are responsible for our illness, our circumstances, other people's behaviour or things that were completely outside our control.
Sometimes difficult things happen. Sometimes our bodies become unwell. Sometimes people hurt us. Sometimes life simply doesn't go the way we hoped it would.
We don't need to pretend otherwise.
For me, the shift is in recognising that although I may not be able to control what is happening, I can start to explore how I respond to what is happening. I can notice when I am becoming overwhelmed. I can notice the thoughts that appear. I can become curious about my breathing rather than completely unaware of it. I can ask for support, rest when I need to and make choices that help me feel more grounded.
There are still plenty of moments when I think, “Why me?” I don't think we need to get to a place where we never feel frustrated, frightened, angry or fed up. Those feelings are part of being human.
What we can learn is to notice when we are becoming stuck in a story that leaves us feeling powerless, and gently begin to look for the places where we do still have some choice.
From “why me?” to “what now?”
I have found that moving from “Why is this happening to me?” towards “What do I need now?” can be a really powerful shift.
It doesn't change the situation, and it doesn't magically make difficult things disappear. What it can do is bring us back into relationship with ourselves rather than leaving us feeling completely at the mercy of what is happening around us.
Sometimes the answer might be to rest. Sometimes it might be to ask for help or set a boundary. Sometimes it might be to seek the right medical support. Sometimes it might simply be to stop, notice your breathing and give yourself a moment before deciding what to do next.
This is why I believe breathwork can be such a valuable part of that process. It brings us back into the body and into the present moment. It helps us notice the patterns that might otherwise happen automatically, and with practice, that awareness can give us more opportunity to choose how we respond.
We can't always change what has happened to us, and we certainly can't control everything that happens in our lives. I know that personally. But we can begin to explore what is within our control today, and sometimes that starts with something as simple as noticing the breath.
Not because one breath will fix everything, but because one conscious breath can be the beginning of noticing what is happening inside us.
And sometimes, that small moment of awareness is where our sense of choice begins to return.
Mel
P.S. Change your breath, Change your Life