When Your Child is Struggling: Breaking Free from Parental Guilt Through Breathwork
Last week, I found myself standing in the kitchen after my youngest came home from school, fighting back tears. He'd had another difficult day, and that familiar voice in my head was getting louder: "You're supposed to be the breath coach. Your children should be thriving. What kind of example are you setting? This must be your fault."
It's ironic, isn't it? Here I am, teaching others how to use their breath to navigate life's challenges, yet when my own child struggles, I immediately turn that judgment inward.
The Weight of Parental Responsibility
As parents, we carry an invisible burden - the belief that our children's wellbeing is a direct measure of our success. When they flourish, we feel proud. When they struggle, we feel as though we've somehow let them down.
This weight becomes even heavier when you work in wellness or personal development. There's an unspoken expectation that if you teach others how to heal, manage emotions, or find balance, your own family should be a shining example of those principles in action.
But life doesn't work that way.
The Truth About Our Children's Journey
Our children are not extensions of us. They are individual souls having their own human experience, complete with their own lessons, challenges, and growth opportunities. Their struggles are not evidence of our failures as parents - they are evidence of their humanity.
When my youngest began having a particularly tough time recently, I noticed how quickly I slipped into that old pattern of taking responsibility for his emotional state. The guilt felt overwhelming. How could I guide others through difficult emotions when I couldn't seem to help my own child navigate his?
Finding Our Way Back to Center
This is where the breath becomes our greatest friend. Not as a magic solution, but as a tool to help us separate our own emotional experience from our child's journey.
When we breathe consciously during these challenging parenting moments, several things happen:
We create space between stimulus and response. Instead of immediately reacting with guilt or panic when our child struggles, the breath gives us a moment to pause and respond from a place of clarity rather than fear.
We return to our body and out of our spinning thoughts. That mental spiral of "what did I do wrong?" can be interrupted by focusing on the simple, grounding rhythm of our breath.
We model emotional regulation. Children learn more from what they observe than what we tell them. When they see us using our breath to stay centered during difficult moments, they're learning a valuable life skill.
Working Through Our Triggers
The most powerful gift we can give our children isn't perfection - it's our commitment to working through our own triggers and patterns. When we notice ourselves taking responsibility for their emotions, we can:
Breathe deeply and ask: "Whose emotion is this really?"
Observe the physical sensations of guilt or anxiety in our body
Remind ourselves that loving our children doesn't mean preventing all their struggles
Offer support without taking ownership of their experience
A Personal Reflection
I'll be honest - writing this feels vulnerable. There's a part of me that still believes I should have all the answers, that my work as a breath coach should somehow immunise my family from life's challenges.
But perhaps this is exactly the message that needs to be shared. We don't use breathwork and wellness tools to create a perfect life - we use them to navigate an imperfect one with more grace, presence, and self-compassion.
My youngest is still having tough days. Some days are harder than others!!!! But instead of carrying the weight of his struggles as my own failure, I'm learning to breathe through my own emotional reactions and show up as the steady, supportive presence he needs.
The Breath as Your Anchor
If you're walking through a difficult season with your child right now, please know this: their struggles don't define your worth as a parent. Your love for them is not measured by their absence of challenges.
Use your breath as an anchor. When the guilt rises, when the self-doubt creeps in, when you feel like you're somehow failing them - breathe. Create space. Remember that your job isn't to fix their every problem, but to love them through it.
And in that space between breaths, you might just find the wisdom to know the difference between supporting them and taking on their emotional burden as your own.
Breathwork isn't about creating a perfect life - it's about showing up authentically for the one we have.
If you're struggling with parental guilt or finding it difficult to separate your emotional wellbeing from your child's journey, I'd love to support you. Sometimes we need help learning how to breathe through the most challenging parts of parenting. You can reach out at mel@breathgal.com.